How to {NOT} get hired...

Yes, these are all things that have actually happened to me throughout various jobs in HR…

Working in Human Resources, I get to go through a lot of resumes & applications on a daily basis. If you are my friend on facebook then you already know about #1 but since it came up, here are a few more things that you should seriously consider if you never ever want to get an interview:

1. Send in your resume using an email address with the word “sexxy” – because one “x” is never enough.

2. Reason for leaving previous employer: “I went to prison for killing my wife”

3. Put in your objective line “to work in the medical field” then apply for a job as an admin assistant in a non-medical related industry.

4. List your salary expectations as “$20,000 - $100,000 annually”

5. Misspell every other word in your cover letter – and then hit “ignore” when spell-check tries to help you out


If however, the tactics above do not work and you somehow manage to get an in-person interview you can pull out these tactics that are guaranteed to not get you the job:

1. Stop mid-sentence during an interview and say “how much longer is this going to take b/c I am supposed to be making deliveries for my current job & they are going to start trying to call me on the radio if I don’t get back on the road soon”

2. When asked about a pre-employment drug test respond by saying “how far does that go back, because you know sometimes I like to party”?

3. When asked about where you see yourself in 5 years, reply “definitely out of here by then”!


And, if all the above fails and you actually get hired then here are some guaranteed ways to end the employment relationship (Note: to protect the innocent {me} none of these examples are from my current position):

1. Tell your boss that you want to get on top of the building and shoot at people in the parking lot

2. Save explicit pictures of yourself on the company network drives

3. Go on a company-paid training trip, but skip the training class and spend all day at a casino

4. Go on another company paid trip and total the company car “off-roading”

5. Instead of forwarding a “private” email to your office romance, accidentally hit “reply all” instead –most effective when the original email was sent to “All Employees” email group.